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Scripting 4 – Now taught in a major university

October 30, 2010 Leave a comment

If you haven’t caught up on the whole scripting thing yet you can start here, then go here, then go here, then come back.

Near the end of our comic creating relationship, I started going a bit off the rails. When we first began, I kept the ideas rather simple so that McC wouldn’t be under too much strain in her drawrings. After a while my scripts became more challenging, which I described as a way to, “push McC to her creative limits” and which she described as me, “being a fucking asshole.” These next few scripts were the proverbial straws that broke the camel’s back of our creative relationship. They started out simple enough:

Part 1
Panel 1
Crick: Hey, would you mind reading over my script? I just finished it.
John: Sure, I’d love to. I didn’t know you were writing a script.
Panel 2
John: I think it’s great that you’re finally using your extensive talent for something constructive. I’ve always said you’d make a great writer. I can’t wait to dig into
Panel 3
*looks down at title*
John: Adolf and Joeseph?
Crick: A homoerotic love story!
Part 2
Panel 1
John: You can’t have a story where Hitler and Goebbels are the heroes!
Crick: No no no…it’s an allegory for Hitler and Goebbels. No one will know that I’m actually writing about them.
Panel 2
John: Really, and how did you manage that when the characters are named Adolf and Joseph?
Crick: I’ve found a way. Read the cast list. You’ll see.
Panel 3
John:  *sarcastically* Dinosaur robot Hitler, brilliant.
Crick: The action figures almost sell themselves.
Sounds reasonable enough to me. Just two dudes talking. Well, a dude and a giant cricket. Still, not too hard to draw. I mean, it’s beyond my skillz to draw but it’s nothing that McC couldn’t handle. Where we ran into the problem was with the next script:
Part 3
John and Crick are acting out the play by holding action figures.
Panel 1
Dinosaur robot Goebbels: But why? Why do you hate the stegosaurs so much?
Dinosaur robot Hitler: Why? I’ll tell you why. It’s because of these weak flimsy arms I have.
Panel 2
Dinosaur robot Goebbels: We all have those arms. They don’t matter. What matters is what’s in here. I love you.
Dinosaur robot Hitler: I love you, too. I wish we could be together, always.
Voice from out of frame: Not if I have anything to say about it you wont.
Panel 3
Both: GASP! Jesus Cthulhu Eva Braun!
Jesus Cthulhu Eva Braun: So this is what you do while I’m napping!
You can see how this might cause a little strife for an artist. Or even for an artìst like McC was, the pretentious kind who insisted on the long I sound. She sent me no less than 20 sketches to look over. None of which held up to my standards. After the fifth or sixth try we had this exchange
Me: Why can’t you just draw what’s on the page?
McC: I tried that, I don’t know what you want.
Me: I want dinosaur robots!
McC: I drew dinosaur robots!
Me: No, you drew robot dinosaurs.
McC: What’s the difference?
Me: One is a robot that just happens to be a dinosaur, the other is a dinosaur that just happens to be a robot. Do you know nothing about comedy?
McC: I still don’t understand.
Me: That much is obvious. And why haven’t you drawn Jesus Cthulhu Eva Braun?
McC: I’m not even sure how I would start doing that.
Me: You draw Jesus’s body, complete with robe and crucifix, then you add Cthulhu’s head and put a blonde wig on him.
McC: Isn’t that what I did here?
Me: That’s a brunette wig.
McC: SHE WAS BRUNETTE!
Me: BLONDE IS FUNNIER!

The conversation went south after that.

Still, I love this comic. There are some things that make me happy just by merely existing. My Marx Brothers DVD collection is one of them. I don’t even need to watch the films, just knowing that I have them is enough to make me smile. The idea of dinosaur robot Hitler and Jesus Cthulhu Eva Braun make me happy. A quick Google search reveals that no one has ever strung the words Jesus Cthulhu Eva Braun together into one cohesive whole before, and the existence of dinosaur robot Hitler occurs only as a random stringing together of keywords. In my own special way (heavy emphasis on the word “special”) I thought of something no one had ever thought of before. Also, if you’ll allow me to blow my own horn some more, I love the double meaning of the last line from the comic. If that makes no sense to you, rest assured you’re not alone, but might I draw your attention here.

I fear I’ve drawn this whole endeavor on for far too long already, in my next installment I may just say fuck all to the commentary and just dump the remainder of scripts out for all to read at their leisure. There’s none that are too deep anyway. Except for one or two.

Categories: Humor

Scripting 3

October 20, 2010 Leave a comment

Remember last year when that movie came out about the guy with the blue peen? We were planning on taking a page from every other web comic and making fun of it. Why would we want to touch upon the same ground that had been so well trod? Because we had the significant benefit of releasing the comics months and months after everyone else had. By taking into account what was funny and un-funny about the Watchmen comics already out, we could craft the Funniest. Watchmen. Comic. Ever. What follows are countless (well, if you can’t count past three) comics which fail to live up to that title.

Laundry day!
Panel #1
John is carrying a hamper full of clothes, he walks past Crick sitting on the couch.
Panel#2
John walks back the other way. This time he has no hamper or clothes and he’s glowing blue. There is a black bar where his crotch is.
Panel #3
Close up of a worried Crick
…only stupid crickets.
Panel #1
Crick:  Where are you clothes?
John: It’s laundry day. I always go naked when doing the laundry.
Panel #2
Crick: Stupid question, but why are you painted blue?
John:  Dude, Dr. Manhattan. Duh!
Panel #3
Crick: K, nuther stupid question, what?
John:  I’ve just found that people are much more accepting of a giant blue dong than a normal dong.
Too hot for the internet!
Panel #1
Crick:  Why are you pretending to be Dr. Manhattan. I thought you said that movie was just an orgy of blood and violence attempting to be deep.
John:  It was an orgy of blood and violence, wasn’t it?
Panel #2
The black box around John’s crotch gets larger. Crick becomes rather freaked out. John looks dreamily happy.
Panel #3
The black box is now pointing straight out and is disturbingly large. Crick runs away in fear.
John:  Yeah.

Now, if you’ve been paying close attention, you should be mightily shocked to learn that I actually considered that last comic to be a bit “too much”, and was actually worried about how it would be received. If this doesn’t come as a shock to you, then I’ll explain that the reason it should come as a shock is because with this blog, and with most of my online presences, I pretty much say what I please. What I fuck well damn fucking please. The idea of myself censoring…myself should fill you with no end to humorous thoughts. You might even LOL at them. Anyway, I took the liberty of writing an alternative script in case the last one should be deemed to controversial. As per usual, the script that I deemed more appropriate was a showcase for violence instead of the inappropriate sex-based joke.

Alternate to “Too hot for the internet!” if it’s too icky

Panel 1

Crick: Why are you pretending to be Dr. Manhattan. I thought you said that movie was just an orgy of blood and violence attempting to be deep.

John:  I don’t know if I like your tone.

Crick: Yeah, what are you doing to do about it blue-dong?

Panel 2

John’s irises disappear and he raises his arm. Crick looks confused

Panel 3

Crick asplodes as John rearranges all the molecules in his body.

This next one is based on Rorschach’s “No” monologue in the film. I actually really wanted to see what McC would’ve done with this one, seeing as how all I set down was a paragraph of dialog. I envision lots of extreme close-ups on spider hives and bizarre angles of Crick from the spider’s perspective. I also imagine the last panel being highly stylized and in only two contrasting colors, basically looking like a KMFDM cover.

But I digress, here’s the dialog for the comic:

Spider carcass in the bathroom this morning, rolled up newspaper to the head. The hive is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The webs are extended nests and the nests are full of bug goo and when the webs are vaccuumed up all the vermin will suffocate. The filth of all their sex and muder will foam up about their thoraxes and all the queens will shout “Chirp for us!”…and I’ll whisper “no.”

Today’s final comic wasn’t inspired by Watchmen, but it was inspired by a joke that was inspired by Watchmen, so we’ve got that whole “meta” thing going on which the kids love so much these days.

I actually like this script the most out of all the comics because the original line “This movie literally caused the sun to die.” was said by a friend of ours (it was either Desmond or Matt, I’m too lazy to look up which) while watching Watchmen. That is such a beautiful diss that I can’t even begin to describe how happy its existence makes me. I use it far too often to describe far too many things, which is kind of sad when you think about it. I am just so full of hatred.

So someone else thought up the premise by making a joke and then McC actually wrote the initial comic. As to make me feel like I was contributing something, she had me see if I could work my magics and enhance teh funny that she already brought. That’s right, she’s generous, artistic and funny. Truly, the whole enchilada.

Here’s her version:

Adios Amoebos!

Panel 1:
“This movie literally caused the sun to die.”
“… no it didn’t.”
“Pretty sure it did.”

Panel 2: look out onto blasted face of a moon-crater planet
Panel 3: “Ha! See, the sun rose.”

Pretty awesome, huh? Might I point out the title of the comic. That’s taken from a Far Side comic, which adds an extra delicious layer of awesomesauce. Final we have my version of the same joke, of course I had to be a dick and insert SCIENCE! into the destruction of the sun.

Panel 1:
“This movie literally caused the sun to die.”
“… no it didn’t.”

Panel 2

“Sun’s still there. You lose.”
“Just wait”

Panel 3

*eight minutes later*
Sun explodes

“DAMMIT!”
“HUZAH!”


That’s all for now. Next time: BEST! COMIC! EVER!

Categories: Humor, Uncategorized

Scripting 2

October 12, 2010 Leave a comment

When we last left off, I was saying stuff. Continuing with that tradition:

While John and Crick were supposed to be the main characters of the comic (the DNA base pairs were destined for their own spin-off comic), that didn’t mean that they would be the only characters. Famous characters from movies, literature and comic books would also show up. This would be something entirely unique to our comic since no webcomic in the history of ever has ever been so bold as to make fun of cherished characters, films, or books.

This next group was basically spawned off of the idea from the third strip. Unfortunately, that gag had already been tackled, and much better than I could’ve in the South Park episode ‘The Coon’. From the third strip, the fourth strip emerged, and since I already had the idea for two interconnected jokes, I decided to give the whole thing a little story arc. In hindsight, they’re really not as good as I thought they were when I first dreamed them up.

These scripts where edited a bit by Tracy, who added the staging and artistic flourishes.
Batman comic 1
Panel 1: *Gordon is standing next to a lit up bat-signal, Batman in frame.
Gordon is in super-dramatic noir lighting / pose*
B: What’s going on?
G: The Joker hijacked a tanker of nitrous oxide. He’s cooking something up.
Panel 2:
G: We’re in for–
*Batman pointing at signal*
B: I thought you weren’t supposed to use the signal anymore.
G: It’s not like you left your number.
Panel 3:
G: Look, there are untraceable cell phones now. Every crack dealer has one. You’d think THE BATMAN could pick one up.
Batman comic 2
Panel 1: *Super-dramatic angle*
G: *handing batman a high-tech looking pill case*
Whatever the Joker has planned, you’ll need some of these.
Panel 2:
B: *looking pleased* Anti-laughing gas pills?
G: Throat lozenges.
Panel 3:
B: …
G: Seriously, it sounds like you’ve been eating cement.
Batman comic 3
Panel 1:
Batman: What’s the Joker planning this time?
Gordon: The President arrives in 4 hours. We expect him to release the gas at the rally.
Panel 2:
*Gordon and Batman stare at each other a minute*
Panel 3:
Gordon: That’s all I really have right now.
Batman: I’m just waiting for you to turn around so I can mysteriously vanish.
Batman comic 4
Panel 1
G: We’ll speak again Bruce.
B: What did you say?
G: You’re Bruce Wayne, aren’t you?
Panel 2
Batman grabs gordan by the collar
B: WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!?
G: You just did.
Panel 3
Batman walks away dejectedly
B: Well played, Gordon.
Despite my misgivings about the first few comics, I really do love the joke in the fouth one, mostly because it’s based on something that actually happened to me. I had unintentionally revealed a secret to one of my friends in college. I knew that my friend was smart, but didn’t realize that he was a truly clever bastard until that moment. After realizing my blunder I believe I stared at him dumbstruck for an entire minute.

Now that we’re done talking about the only mistake I’ve ever mistakenly made, we can move on. Until recently, I was just another anonymous voice on the internet. As such, I had opinions. Opinions about things. And I knew it was my Gods given right, NAY, duty to express those opinions to anyone and everyone who would listen in the most locked caps I could muster.

Unfortunately, no one had ever prepared me for the responsibility that goes along with such power. In order to be relevant, I couldn’t just express my opinions on things that I had seen or experienced first hand, I had to also give my opinions on things that I had yet to experience. That’s right, I was a douchebag. And as this next comic shows, I still am.

The first and last comic on the topic

John: You never make fun of Twilight. You secretly love it, don’t you?
Crick: Making fun of Twilight is a dead horse my friend.

John: Then say it sucks.
Crick: Fine! It’s a piece of shit and Edward Cullen is a sparkly fairy! HAPPY?!

Later in Crick’s room, it’s filled with Twilight merchandise, Crick is standing in front of a poster of Edward crying
Crick: I didn’t mean it, please forgive me.

This next one is based on a true story, sadly. You’d think as an IT Network Administration student I’d know better. Alas…

Post-it note time machine

Panel 1

*Crick reads a post-it note*

Note: Note to past cricket, there is a difference between a DSL modem and a cable modem. Make sure you order the right one.
Cricket: Of course I know the difference because I am not a moron like my future self.

Panel 2

*Open box that says DSL modem*
Cricket: KHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN

Panel 3
*cricket writing note*

I really like this next one and would’ve loved to have seen McC’s interpretation of my purposefully vague notes. I mean, math humor, right? Can’t get any better than that. Plus, I love invoking the phrase, “There’s so much blood!” as a joke.
Love Triangle in Trinity City

Crick: Dammit! Why didn’t anyone tell me that the Pythagorean theorem only applies to right triangles.
John: Uh…I figured you already knew. And when are you going around applying the Pythagorean theorem, besides in a high school geometry class?

Panel 2

Cricket: *shifty* Uh…nowhere.

Panel 3

*scene of an amusement park ride called “The Triangle of Love” All you see are speech bubbles of people screaming and someone screaming, “MY GOD! There’s so much blood!”
To be continued…
Categories: Humor

Scripting

October 9, 2010 2 comments

A while back Tracy McCusker drew a couple of comics for one of my posts. It was the best kind of collaborative relationship because, it took me a minute and a half to write out the scripts and then she spent hours upon hours doing all the hard work of drawing and coloring them. McC made an offhand comment about how she would love to have me write more scripts that she could draw comics for. It was one of those social niceties that people do never expecting the other person to take them up on the offer. Unfortunately for McC she was unaware of my complete lack of tact, and wasn’t prepared when I took her up on it. Nor was she ready for the vast number of scripts I hurled at her, or the massive number of emails I unfurled wondering when she would get around to drawing them. There was usually one email when I first woke up, another couple before and after my mid-morning nap, another during my lunch, a half of one while I watched Dr. Oz (this is only considered half because the majority of the email was unfocused bitching about how much I hated Dr. Oz ) and about 7-8 more that got increasingly abusive through the night as I became more and more inebriated. By that time all of the script ideas that I submitted to her involved images of me recreating the entire Kama Sutra with various female cartoon characters from the 80s (mostly Cheetara).

Eventually she got so fed up with my harassment that she broke her hand just so that she would have an excuse not to draw anything. Seems kind of excessive to me, I mean most people just tell me to shut up. Not that it does any good.

Okay, none of that is true. Well, the first part is true, where she drew the comics for me and then said that I should write more scripts. The rest is totally made up. Except for my lack of tact, but you already knew that. And the part where McC broke her hand, that actually happened, but not for the reasons I gave, but we all wish her a very quick recovery on that. You know what, you might just want to assume that everything is true.

Regardless, McC has a lot of plates spinning in her personal life and drawing comics for me wasn’t the ideal way to lighten her already massive load. So that idea got scrapped. But what of all those scripts that I had written, all those hilariously wondiferous scripts? Well, I can’t draw, but I can have you read them. And then you can draw the comics in your mind, with the power of imagination! Luck you.

Here’s what would’ve hopefully been the first comic, it pretty much speaks for itself.

In the beginning

*First panel shows DJ giving Tracy a piece of paper and talking to her.*

And so it was that Lord DJ said unto Tracy, “Lo, look upon mine ideas and add drawings to them and make them funnier.”

*Second panel shows Tracy diligently at work drawing at her tablet*

“And lo, I will take equal credit in all the praise that we receive and ride verily upon the coattails of your talent. “

*Third panel shows DJ on couch drinking beer.*

“And it shall be good.”

The next group of comics would’ve been a response to a news story about the heat signature of Saturn’s moon Minas. It turns out that the heat signature looks surprisingly like Pac-Man eating a power pellet.

Pac Moon Mania 1
*First panel: Crick is packing a bag*
John: Going somewhere?
Crick: Didn’t you hear? They found that the heat signature of one of Saturn’s moons very closely resembles Pac-Man eating a power pellet.
*Second Panel*
John: So?
Crick: It’s not just coincidence. It’s alien technology left behind for us to communicate with them, and I will be the vessel. I had a vision of this in college. Pac man came to me and said I would be the saviour that brings our two species together in perfect peace and harmony.
*Third Panel*
John: Vision? You were on acid. Lots of acid. I had to stop you from setting your hat on fire because you thought that it was donkey kong trying to eat your brain.
Crick: Well, once the heat signature of Ganymede comes back I’m sure that prophecy will also come to fruition.
Pac Moon Mania 2
*First Panel: Crick is at the door ready to leave*
John: I can’t believe you’re actually considering this.
Crick: Considering? No. I’m doing this. I’m like Neo, this is my ultimate destiny.
*Second Panel*
John: You remember Neo died at the end of those movies, right?
Crick: …
*Third panel: Crick turns around and shuts the door*
Crick: What’s on TV tonight?
We actually got the third one done, which I’m really proud of because I did the initial drawing of it. McC just traced around it. And cleaned it up. And did the colors. You know, the easy stuff.
Pac Moon Mania 3
Panel 1: The cricket gazes longingly at the moon
Panel 2: Close up, tears in Cricket’s eyes.
Panel 3: Pac-Man Ghost eyes moon.

In case you haven’t picked up on it, yet. Crick was supposed to be the zany character that always had some hair-brained idea cooked up that would lead to wacky misadventures and John was just John, the straight man. Now, you might be asking yourself how I came up with the name John. Well, that’s an interesting story. And I don’t mean intersting story in the way your grandfather means interesting story, that it’s a story entierly devoid of interest, I mean it’s actually interesting. At least I find it interesting. And might I remind you that that’s my name in the url up there, which means what I find interesting is all that really matters here, so grab some wood there, bub.

Anyway John’s full name would’ve never been revealed (unless I could come up with a good joke for it) but his last name was Watson. I did this because I’m a big fan of the Sherlock Holmes stories, and secondly because it fit in so deliciously with the Cricket being named Crick. Watson and Crick being the team who proposed the double helix structure of DNA. I’ll give you moment to revel in my cleverness before presenting you with the next comic, which just happens to fit in nicely with what I was just talking about.

First Panel

We’re in a DNA strand an A base is talking to a T base

T: Uh-oh, looks like we’re replicating again. It’s been good knowing you, man.

A: See ya, T.

Second Panel

A alone

A: I wonder who my new pair will be. I hope it’s another T, he was so cool.

Third Panel

a G base shows up

A: Aw, crap!

G: Awesome, let’s makes some X-Men!

That’s all for now, expect some more comic goodness in the next update.


Categories: Humor

Don't believe me.

October 3, 2010 Leave a comment

You really shouldn’t believe anything that I say here.

That’s not to say that you should stop reading, but you just shouldn’t believe me. Here’s why: most of this stuff that I’m writing about, I pretty much just pull out of my ass. I’m not an expert, there’s no research done here. I just pretty much copy and paste from wikipedia, and we all know how reliable that is.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that everything that I’m posting is wrong. I’m sure that most of it is actually fairly factual. At least it’s as factual as we know it to be right now. You always have to add that caveat in there, otherwise some jerkwad is going to discover something new tomorrow and come back to your blog and call you out on being an idiot because you were talking about something before something else was learned about that one thing. That’s what Galileo did when he found out that the Earth wasn’t the center of the universe, and then they burned him at the stake.

See, I just proved my own point. They didn’t burn Galileo, but it sounds believable. Let’s put it this way, my posts have an unfortunate, sometimes unavoidable amount of truthiness to them. I try hard to present factual information here, but sometimes the information that I get isn’t completely true. And sometimes I just intentionally provide false information that I assume everyone knows is wrong anyways. I’m kind of a dick like that. The point is that you should keep reading this despite my flat-out lying, but you should also cast a critical eye on everything you take in. This shouldn’t just apply to my posts, but to all “factual” information or news that you take in.

I don’t want to suggest that anyone turn into a hard nosed cynic disbelieving everything they hear. Someone who instantly rejects anything is just as annoying as someone who believes everything they hear. I just want people to believe what they want to believe, while taking a bit of time to do some research themselves to make sure that the facts they’re regurgitating are actually facts. In the past year there have been a number of instances where news organizations have been purposefully duped in order to be discredited for reporting false information. Fact checking is becoming more and more difficult due to the pressure of breaking an important story first, especially when the internet is instantaneous and you don’t have the luxury of waiting for the next print edition before deciding to run the story.

Just in the past week I’ve run acrost my own critical moments. In the first I was watching Ken Burn’s Civil War documentary. In the first episode he mentioned that the last Civil War veteran died in 1959. When I heard that alarm bells began ringing. The war ended in 1865. If the veteran in question was born in 1859 and died when he was a hundred, he would’ve been 6 when the war ended. I know that they weren’t very choosey when recruiting troops during the Civil War, especially  near the end, but I think the rules were a little bit stricter than that. More than likely the youngest soldier would be about 12, which would mean that the oldest veteran would be about 106 when he died. That’s possible, but still not likely.

I made a quick search on wikipedia, and sure enough found that it was actually a hoax that the last surviving veteran died in 1959. It turns out that the last veteran of the Civil War died in 1951. He was about 104 when he died. Still an unbelievable number, but I felt an enourmous amount of pride when I was able prove Ken Burns to be a lying liar telling lies. LIES! Not so special now you epically long documentary making bastard. No, I’m just kidding he makes really good stuff.

The next example came from Bruce Russet’s book No Clear and Present Danger. The book is a critical look at whether or not the United States was right to enter World War II. Seems like a bizarre stance to take, but it’s a perfect example of taking a quizzical look at conventional thinking. At one point of the book, Russet talks about the making of the atomic bomb. He mentions that without getting involved in the war, America wouldn’t have been able to develop the bomb by 1945, but we would’ve gotten there by 1947 or 1948.  Obviously there’s no way to disprove his prediction, but I couldn’t help but think that he had overestimated the timeline. If The United States hadn’t gotten involved, we wouldn’t have had such an incentive to kick off the Manhattan Project. I can’t underemphasise this enough, but the Manhattan Project was a HUGE!!! undertaking. I don’t all caps shit without a good reason, and don’t even get me started on the multiple exclamation points. As if that weren’t enough there’s the bolding going on. All that to prove that I’m serious about this. The Manhattan Project cost 2 billion dollars and had 130,000 people working on it. They even created a city to work on it. In 1945 there were 75,000 people living in Oak Ridge Tennessee. All of the workers there were involved with the Manhattan project. I cannot imagine this many people and this much money being thrown at building the nuclear bomb if it weren’t for America’s involvement in the war. In my humble opinion, there is absolutely no way that we would’ve completed the bomb within an extra ten years without that incentive to beat the Germans.

I don’t think that most of the people reading this really need to be made aware of how critical thinking is. Chances are if you’re reading this it’s because you can appreciate how awesome I am, which means you’re a pretty smart group. I pretty much wrote this to apologize for any times when I was presenting something that wasn’t true, and to preemptively apologize for any moments in the future where I lie to you all. Also, I wanted to blow my own horn about how smrt I am for finding those two examples.

Categories: History, Thought Exercise