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Brooks beats Sumner

If you think that politics are brutal now, you have to realize that most senators now are giant pussies. Sure they’re a bunch of blow hards that talk the talk, but none of them are up to the task to walk the walk. At least not like they did back in the day. And by back in the day, I mean some nebulous time that I’m not really sure on the details of. It was definitely after the founding of the country and before 1990. For sure it was in the 1850s, because that’s when Preston “Hard as Fuck” Brooks beat the everloving shit out of Charles “Meatbag” Sumner.

Sumner wasn’t afraid to talk shit, and made a fair amount of enemies in the senate. He was a staunch abolitionist, which in the 1850s didn’t buy many friends from the southern states, and called for the Fugitive Slave Act to be repealed. In a speech that lasted three hours. After making me listen to a speech for three hours, even if I agreed with everything he was saying, I would probably be ready to beat him too. Seriously, I get bored watching most television shows, and those are only an hour long.

When Kansas was first being settled and was about to make the jump from territory to state, there were a number of uprisings between southern racist bastards and good-hearted slightly-less-racist-than-southerners-but-still-opposed-to-slavery-northerners. Otherwise known as border ruffians and free-staters respectively. With all of these goings on, Sumner made a new speech condemning Kansas-Nebraska act and the authors of it. And by condemning I mean he ripped them some new assholes. While doing this, he poked fun at Andrew Butler’s physical appearance and way of speaking. This was no doubt hilarious out of context, but it became less so if you knew that the reason for Butler’s unique appearance and speech was that the had suffered a stroke a few years before.

Well, Preston Brooks, who was Butler’s nephew, didn’t like that. Not. One. Bit. So, he takes a walking stick, comes up to Sumner a few days later and proceeded to beat Sumner mercilessly. “You want to front mutherfucka, and diss my peeps. I’m as hard as fuck, muthafucka and you’d best stop talkin’ shit before you git got! South side represent.” Is what Brooks should have said during the altercation, instead he simply took Sumner, “Mr. Sumner, I have read your speech twice over carefully. It is a libel on South Carolina, and Mr. Butler, who is a relative of mine.”

This was not the usual way of doing things amongst gentlemen of the era. Usually there was a duel. However, when Brooks proposed the idea of a duel to one of his friends, Laurence Keitt, Keitt told Brooks that duels were for men of equal stature in society, and suggested that Sumner was somewhat lower than a gentleman, falling more in line with a drunkard. As bum wars have proven time and again beating drunks is hilarious so Brooks decided to go with the walking stick approach.

After the attack, a bunch of idiots decided to send Brooks a whole slew of walking sticks, often with suggestions as to whom he should beat next. Instead of being sent to jail for beating the shit out of a fellow senator, Sumner wasn’t even arrested. Well, if he wasn’t arrested he surely would’ve been kicked out of the senate, right? I mean, he nearly killed someone on the senate floor. Nope. He narrowly survived a vote to kick him out of the senate. Instead of staying on, though,  he choose to resign. Classy move on his part.

As for Sumner, it took him three years before he was able to return to work at the senate. Of course, in the 1800s people, when not being hard as fuck, were pretty lame. I mean, have you ever read any books written in the era? Those mother fuckers passed out at the drop of a hat. Seriously, I’m sure if you look hard enough you would find a case where some guy dropped his hat and went, “By Jove, I believe I feel a bit of the brain fever coming on.” Even after Sumner came back to the senate he suffered from severe migraines and from what is now known to be post traumatic stress disorder. In other words, Brooks done fucked his shit up proper.

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